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Lyrics to "Understand," released 4.19.23


that I didn’t know, I didn’t have a plan

for how it would end

and understand

I meant every word when we tumbled in

to a story unfolding

please believe

I saw all the ways you were steady you

stood in one place as I burned it down

to start over, and how it tumbled you

I’ll never know

hold my hand

and look in my eyes and know I’m sorry you

were harmed in the process of making me

thrown in reverse, I start melting

that scene on the front porch, caving in

til the communion of everything

leads to a dead end, or am I guilty?

I’ll settle the blame and then set you free

the way to keep loving you is to set you free

I tried to explain and you tried to see

I tried to explain, you tried to see

til there was nothing left


that I didn’t know, I didn’t have a plan

for how it would end


The Story:

The lyric “Understand” and the verse’s melody first appeared at the end of a dream, right as I was waking up, clear as the soundtrack over movie credits. In the scene a woman walked through tall grass peacefully overgrown around rusted relics. When I got up and sat at the piano to try and chase it down, the next lyrics that spilled out were things I never got to say to my ex-husband as it ended, mixed in with more recent lessons that only fell into place after years of time and space.

The end of my marriage came out of a turbulent time and my search for the truth, and it felt both necessary and devastating: something once sacred now cracked open and falling apart, revealing newness and also profound loss. I had to trust myself over and over in the process of leaving, but also had to live with the fact that my truth had caused harm all around. The song itself feels like an artifact of my becoming, reflecting a complete musical thought from a place of love and compassion as I connect to that chaotic moment and fully own my part in it.

We’re not in touch, and I don’t expect he will hear the song. But days after it was recorded he appeared in a vivid dream where he told me that he’d heard it and that it was beautiful, and I cried in his arms — which is enough.

Sharing “Understand” with you today, on a solar eclipse In Aries which emphasizes courage, independence and relationships.

If it moves you, I’d love to hear from you.

Amy Merrill, music & lyrics @amyjmerrill @amy.batara

Andy Barr, engineer/producer @andybarrandy

Jason Burger, drums @jburgerdrums

Sean O’Brien, mixing engineer @thebestofspatrickobrien

art by Emma Jenkinson @emmamariej_


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